Tinder Is the Night

In 2022, it’s the ten-year anniversary of everyone’s favorite cynicism vehicle: Tinder. Ten long years of obsessive profile edits, numb thumbs and endless disappointment. As technology has evolved with various expensive stalker-features and misguiding face apps, so has the way people use online dating. For who really has time for small talk and organic development of a connection that might turn into a sustainable relationship?

Let's celebrate this moment in history with a recent Tinder tale. A guy I know told me about a date that could be entitled “Tinder Next Gen”, a rendez-vous that perfectly demonstrates what years of swiping will do to a person’s outlook on love. 

Our man, let’s call him Callum, shows up for a park date in his city, expecting a coffee, a walk and some nice conversation about hopes, dreams and weird yet charming pet peeves. He finds her seated on a blanket on the grass from where she does not get up to greet him. She invites him to sit down, and he suggests maybe getting a coffee from somewhere.

“No that’s okay, I’ve got my water,” she responds, so he hesitantly sits down, dry-mouthed and awkward, enviously eyeing her cold beverage which she is clearly not planning to share. When she follows that up with “I should also tell you, I have to leave in 20 minutes,” Callum realizes that this girl did not come to play. Based on the ensuing conversation, she may as well have asked for his bank statement and sperm count, as this was not a date, but an interview.

According to my theory, we are dealing with a woman who has already been on a lot of unsuitable Tinder dates and has decided to invent a process where she does not have to spend more than 20 minutes and the price of a bottled mineral water on her matches. While I’m thankful I never had to spend a third of an hour on her picnic blanket, I can’t blame her for coming up with a system to determine suitability in a swift and efficient manner. Not only does it save precious time, it could also save you from making some very bad decisions.

Just think of Alfred and Sophronia Lammle in Charles Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend, who marry each other solely because they assume the other is a man/woman of property, only to discover after walking down the aisle that neither has a penny to their name.

I have to respect the fact that Callum’s date does not hide her somewhat cynical approach to finding a mate. After being grilled, he knew just as much about her as he needed to, and 20 uncomfortable minutes are far better than being duped by someone who hides their true motivations. 

Montgomery Clift as Morris and Olivia de Havilland as Catherine in The Heiress - an adaptation of Washington Square. As if the fabulous Olivia could ever be plain.

In Henry James’ Washington Square, the dumpy heiress Catherine Sloper is cruelly abandoned by the charming fortune hunter Morris Townsend after he realizes she won’t get quite as much money as he’d anticipated if they elope. Mind, she’d still get a lot of money, but Morris just figured he could do better as far as plain and mind-numbingly dull heiresses go.

I imagine today’s Morris as one of those Tinder users who’ll spend a good deal of time charming their matches only to ghost them when they get a hotter right-swipe (or just someone more likely to sleep with them sooner) and like many of them – who will often circle back when they’re out of other options, Morris eventually resurfaces in Catherine’s life. When he returns, still penniless, somewhat less charming, but as greedy and opportunistic as ever, still spinster-Catherine is not fooled. She turns him down and resumes a life that’s hardly distinguishable from that of a houseplant or an obese cat, which I would also personally prefer over having to sponsor some useless husband’s drinking habits.  

So perhaps Tinder Next Gen has its uses if it saves people some time and risk of being Morrissed; however I can’t help but wonder if this pragmatic style causes you to face the dating world with shit-tinted glasses, as Callum is actually dashing, smart and a man of property, so at least some part of her system was clearly flawed or in early stages of development. 

If someone is on Tinder looking for the one and only, would it not be wiser to learn about the other person’s heart than their annual tax return? Perhaps we can once again find a valuable lesson in the world of opera.

Look at that smoldering gaze. Kristine Opolais embodying the vain and ridicilously hot Manon to perfection at the Met.